I’m way too close to 2000 posts…
I think the worst part is having my mom repeat, “Do you need me to call someone? Do you need me to come down there? Do I need to call the ambulance? GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. JESUS CHRIST.”
Not depressed like, “man I’m so depressed I failed that exam.” I’m depressed like there hasn’t been a single day in over six months that i’ve woken up and said, “Hello world! Today is GREAT!” I’m depressed like, “I wonder if I’d die before I hit the ground or if I’d die form the impact?”
I don’t cut myself. I don’t drink myself into a coma every night. I don’t snort cocaine or MDMA until I have a heart attack. I don’t “accidentally” fall down flights of stairs. I don’t cry, very often. I don’t scream or yell or swear. I don’t tell people “I’m depressed.”
I smile. I go about my daily routine. I have a skip in my step. I’m fantastic, how are you? I don’t talk about anything that is stressing me out or making me upset. I don’t tell people that I sit in my room at night blogging pictures of cats and skinny girls. I either over eat or stop eating completely. Lately it’s been the former. I may, sometimes, let it slip that I’m a little sad. But nothing too terrible, you know?
Well. I told someone. Other than the four of you who actually read my blog. Someone who is my friend. Who I expected would reach out to me. I know she’s busy. I know she has finals and homework. I know I’m being a needy bitch. I know my life is awesome. What I don’t know is why I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I would never kill myself. I couldn’t I’m too much of a pussy. I just…feel overwhelmed with sadness. All the time.
The levy finally broke. I had a serious emotional breakdown. Not having a place to put my stuff in my uncles house, which I’m supposed to be moving into this weekend, is what triggered it. I called my mom to vent and then I just…started crying. I cried and cried. I cried from 38th avenue N all the way back to school at 6th avenue S. The I cried in the lobby of my dorm. I cried in the elevator ride while some guy watched me with a disgusted look on his face. I cried walking to my friend’s room. I cried in her living room, in front of my friends.
They didn’t help me at all. They made it worse. The last thing to do is tell a depressed person, who is trying to rationalize themselves, “Well there you go. See you have nothing to be depressed about.”
I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped I felt empty. I stood up and left. Because they can’t help me. I walked to the elevator and hit 1 then i hurriedly hit 3 because i didn’t think i wanted to go downstairs. When the elevator stopped at 3 I hit the close doors button. I rode it down to 1. I left the dorms and walked to the parking garage. As I got in the parking garage elevator I started crying again.
I know you think this is where I’m going to tell you I looked over the ledge of the parking garage and jumped from the 7th floor to my doom. Unfortunately I parked on 3, and from past experience I know a 3rd floor fall won’t kill you. I opened my trunk and got out my dirty clothes basket full of dirty clothes.
Right now I’m sitting in my room blogging about how empty I feel. How tired I am.
I’m hoping that once finals are over and I move everything I’ll be all smiles again.
i need to have sex. I’m going crazy.
- Shawn: You know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were, but guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up. That's when the truth comes out. You know, I've waited 15 years to find out what he really thinks about you. Do you wanna know what he thinks about you now that you've broken up?
- Topanga: No. Shawn, I don't wanna talk about him.
- Shawn: Now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are.
I feel like I’m going to die. ): ):
I’m writing a 10 page paper that’s due tomorrow.
What’s your excuse?
I wonder how many points he takes off for not having 10 pages…?
7/10 so close, yet so far away…
So, the hottie from my WW2 class was in the library when I came into work. Too bad he didn’t see me because he was on the computer. When I went down to check the mail he was still there, but since there was no mail I had to go back up stairs, so he didn’t see me. When I went down stairs to check if a missing periodical was on the shelf he would’ve seen me, but he had left.
fml I’m such a creeper. But why was he only here for like 30 min? ):
I’m skipping all my classes except Spanish to write my paper.
Wish me luck!
my body feels hot, but i’m shivering. :\
I hate sleeping. Because when I close my eyes it’s dark. Then, when I open them its still dark. The bad things come and get me at night. It’s terrible. Absolutely terrible.
Did I mention I’m going to fail? :| True story.
The debate around the atomic bomb.
1. It’s going to kill a lot of people.
2. People will die.
3. We don’t really know what the fuck this thing is going to do other than kill people.
4. We’re going to look really fucking bad ass.
5. Fuck the Russians.
6. And the Commies.
7. And the
8. AMERICA, FUCK YEAH.
9. I feel like I just came. Except my cum vaporized human beings and shit.
10. Well, people respect us now, right?
I wish I could just turn that in instead of a 20 page paper. :/
asdfghjkl Thursday. 2 days. Fuck.
i think…i’m fucking my life up…